I say I'm an optimist, but that's only the surface. Cause when it comes to myself, I feel like I don't deserve it. I am placed in a moment, where time seems to stop. As usual, I stone out, my mind starts to think. Like a flowing river, my thoughts lead to you. I think about me, you and us. I do not know why, but when it involves me, I place myself last. I guess it's a mix of jealousy and pessimism but everyone just seems better. Better than me. As my thoughts deepen, I plunge further in misery and sadness. As my mind continues to shit talk myself, my heart begins to ache. My feelings dampen, and being the retard I am, I seek extra sources of sadness, songs, videos, places, etc. I guess the depressing atmosphere of these sources gives me that little comfort I ever so need. As a result, I begin to swim through the ocean of despair, desperately finding that speck of light, hope.
Despite begin overwhelmed, you feel alright, because no matter what your mind tells you, your heart still believes. It still believes in that tiny gap of light, and that one day, reassurance and evidence will open this gap.
If for whatever reason the mind is right. I'm not good enough. They are better. She says stop. Then I will happily dive deeper to the end of this book. Close it. Forget it.
At least I tried. Smiles with a tear.
No regrets.
